Fifty and Other F-Words
REFLECTIONS FROM THE
REARVIEW MIRROR
STERLING and the distinctive Sterling logo are registered trademarks of Sterling Publishing Co., Inc.
Interior text and photographs © 2018 Margot Potter
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means (including electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without prior written permission from the publisher.
ISBN 978-1-4549-2797-6
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Potter, Margot, author.
Title: Fifty and other F-words : reflections from the rearview mirror / Margot Potter.
Description: New York, NY : Sterling Publishing Co., Inc., [2018] |
Includes bibliographical references and index.
Identifiers: LCCN 2018000117 (print) | LCCN 2018004938 (ebook) | ISBN 9781454927976 (e-book) | ISBN 9781454927969 (hardcover : alk. paper)
Subjects: LCSH: Middle age--Humor. | Middle-aged women--Humor.
Classification: LCC PN6231.M47 (ebook) | LCC PN6231.M47 P68 2018 (print) | DDC 818/.602--dc23
LC record available at
https://lccn.loc.gov/2018000117
For information about custom editions, special sales, and premium and corporate purchases, please contact Sterling Special Sales at 800-805-5489 or specialsales@sterlingpublishing.com.
sterlingpublishing.com
Cover design by Elizabeth Mihaltse Lindy and David Ter-Avanesyan
Interior design by Nancy Singer
Additional photography on page 130 (left and top right) © Lloyd Pratt
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION
ONE
fearless
YOU’RE HERE. YOU’RE 50. GET OVER IT.
TWO
frazzled
WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE NOT EXPECTING ANYMORE
THREE
forlorn
REIMAGINING THE EMPTY NEST
FOUR
flexible
CHANGING CAREERS MIDSTREAM WITHOUT DROWNING
FIVE
flummoxed
WHO’S THAT WOMAN IN THE MIRROR AND WHAT HAS SHE DONE WITH ME?
SIX
flamboyant
A GIRL’S GUIDE TO CANDY-COLORED HAIR, BOTOX, AND HOPE IN A JAR
SEVEN
fashionable
#OVER50ANDFABULOUS
EIGHT
flabby
D IS FOR DIET
NINE
feminist
JOIN THE LADY PARTY—WE HAVE COCKTAILS.
TEN
free
RELEASING THE WILD WOMAN
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
DEDICATION
One day, my dear Avalon, you will turn 50. If all goes as planned, I’ll be there to offer you a snifter of wine and a sprinkling of confetti. If I cannot be there due to unforeseen circumstances, I wrote this book. It may provide some small comfort or moment of comic relief. I make no promises, except these two. I love you. You’re going to be just fine. Mr. Potter, I don’t have a medal to bestow upon you for surviving the dual onslaught of menopause and puberty, but here’s a loving mention in the dedication of this book. Mom, I have no idea how you did any of it and did it all with such grace, but I do know that I’m in awe of your magnificence and deeply indebted to you for showing me how to be a kick-ass warrior woman of the highest order.
This is a book about life after 50. It will make you laugh, it will make you think, it will make you cry, it might even make you hungry. You’re probably already experiencing all of these things simultaneously. Am I right? This is the story of how I’ve met the challenges of navigating my 50s, and incorporates the lessons I’ve drawn from staring down the fifth decade of my life. It’s a look at the good, the bad, the ugly, the wrinkled, the sagging, and the hairy. I’m letting it all hang out and down past my knees without apology. It may not be pretty, but it’s honest. In sharing my truth, I’m hoping to inspire you to find yours.
When we enter our midlife years, we have an opportunity. We may be facing the empty nest, mourning changes in our appearance, transitioning into a new career, or finding our interpersonal relationships evolving. We are losing some things, but between those losses a space is opening for something new. We can opt to fill the empty space with doodads from discount department stores or set forth on glorious new adventures. We can feel sorry about what we’ve lost, or celebrate what we’ve gained. We can cherish the past while looking forward to a deeper, richer, more complex relationship with our grown children, significant others, the world at large, and, most importantly, with ourselves. The last call for baby making may be past, but it’s time to hit the after party! Glitter up those eyelids and rave on, Mama!
There is life after 50, real life, soulful, magical, kick-ass, beautiful life. We aren’t relegated to the sidelines and we do not have to fade away. In fact, this is the perfect time to dial up the volume. At this age, we’ve earned the right to do whatever makes us happy and be who we are without shame, fear, or apology. The truth is, we always had that right. We live in a youth-obsessed culture, but we don’t have to accept that meme. We are strong, powerful women with the power to change the discourse. It starts with us, refusing to become invisible. It means daring to live out loud, coloring outside of the lines, and rewriting the current scripts on aging.
Age is just a number and attitude is everything. Toss out that old road map: You’re forging your own path. Hell yes, you’re 50, and you’re just getting started, darling.
Cheers,
Margot
Somehow, and utterly without explanation, I reached my midcentury mark in much the same sour pickle as I had 10 years earlier. My fading career was a grand invention born of an intoxicating mix of desperation, fortitude, and hope. At 39, I was a woman clinging to a tenuous lifeline, resolutely making it up every day on my computer, on a tiny table between the stove and the refrigerator. Everything in my life had fallen apart professionally. I felt utterly bereft and adrift. I spent my 39th year wavering between flailing about aimlessly and purposefully swimming toward a new shore. I was being buoyed by belief in my worth, my talent, my creativity, and my ability to magically transform my life from ruin into joy. Defying all logic, I did it. In the process of my grand reinvention, I raised an exceptional young woman with a wonderful, kind, supportive husband. Yup, I did that, and looking back on what I’ve accomplished over the past 13 years, I’m mightily chuffed. Even if it hasn’t always been a bed of glitter, it’s been a wonderful, wild ride. It is not over yet, not by a long shot.
I struggled with my 50th birthday, in much the same way that I struggled with my 40th. I asked myself why I wasn’t “there yet,” as if there was a there and there was a way of knowing that you’d arrived. “Am I there yet? Am I almost there? How will I know? Is there a road sign to alert me? How do I get there and how long can I stay there before they kick me out?”
I made room on my shelves for adult diapers and a prescription for osteoporosis medicine. I stocked up on comfort shoes and compression hose. I grudgingly signed up for the AARP and got my discount card. With menopause under way, I prepared to save a fortune on feminine products and permanently avoid toxic shock syndrome. Not to mention reveling in the sheer joy of waving a permanent farewell to Auntie Flo.
I never liked that bitch anyway.
I’d arrived at the big five-o. 50. As I pulled into the turnstile, I was met with a plethora of vexing changes. Weight gain, check. Jowl formation, check. Neck collapse, in progress. Sagging parts, here! Old lady hands, hello. Side boobs, egads! Suddenly nothing fits quite the way it did before
. I have developed what I’m calling old lady arms. That saggy, fatty flesh that droops sadly over your elbows—what the hell is that?
I did not order that. Send it back!
The thing is, I don’t see any of it until I look at a photograph of myself. In my mind and in my mirror, I still look fabulous. And perhaps that solitary delusion of grandeur will be my saving grace.
Is it just me, or is it weird to think that at 50 all of the rules change without any fanfare? Who makes these decisions? And why?
I have a secret for you: 50 doesn’t feel much different from 49. It doesn’t feel much different from 39, either, at least not mentally. There isn’t a tectonic shift. That’s the strange thing about aging—it happens incrementally. You don’t see the subtle changes until you see a photo or a video or a reflection as you pass by the mirror under unflattering light and realize that you aren’t the you that you are used to being. Then you have to decide how you feel about that, because you can’t turn back time. You don’t feel older until you try to do something you’ve always done and find it suddenly more difficult. Time progresses, gravity pulls, collagen departs, estrogen exits stage left, and you get older. If you’re lucky.
There are many schools of thought on aging. The prevailing one is that women should “age gracefully.” I’m not exactly sure what that means. Aging gracefully is vaguely defined as dressing conservatively, getting a sensible haircut, wearing less makeup, acting your age, speaking softly, and fading into the background, all of which sounds hideous to me. This is all in the service of making older women less noticeable. Women are supposed to start becoming invisible when they turn 50 to make room for the newer models. We’re terrified of aging in this culture, thanks to the unrelenting stream of media messaging that older women are unattractive, boring, and disposable. We worship youth and beauty with a frenetic obsession. Women in their 20s are getting Botox®. Fashion models start work in their teens and age out long before 30. Actresses over 40 are counting the days until their last leading role. Women over 50 are finding it increasingly difficult to get and maintain a job.
When I look at the “What to Wear at Any Age” spreads in the fashion magazines, I have magically moved into the 50s category. Just like that. Apparently, until I turn the corner into my 70s, I’m supposed to steer clear of outfits that remotely resemble anything fun. According to the fashion police, most of whom are in their 20s, women should not wear miniskirts after 40. Women of a certain age should not wear leggings, and no women should wear leggings as pants. Women over 50 should not wear their hair past their shoulders, and it should definitely not be dyed outrageous colors. Women over 50 should not curse in public. Women over 50 should refrain from dancing on tabletops.
I’m not a fan of rules. I haven’t been keen on obeying them up to this point. It seems silly to start now.
One of the bonuses of turning 50 is that you care far less about what other people think. You get to decide every day how to dress, what to do, and what to say. The truth is, you always did.
Five years into my 50s and you’d think by this point I’d have it down. I don’t. I’m not sure one ever gets this stuff down. I have a sneaking suspicion that as soon as we master a decade, we’ve already slid into the next one. That’s been my experience so far. I look back with hard-earned wisdom. I want to tell my younger self all of this cool stuff that I’ve learned. The words would mean little without the added benefit of experience. Younger folks are prone to ignoring the heartfelt advice of older people. Even if I could travel back in time to meet the younger me without disrupting the fabric of space and time, I’m not sure my efforts would be fruitful.
Becoming Invisible
Women who are past the age of procreation and raising children are, for biological purposes, irrelevant. Men can keep making babies until they die, but that window closes for women after menopause. It bears pondering: Is biological irrelevance our enemy? That loss of hormones also signals the end of our youth. We’ve been enculturated to fear older women. My gorgeous mother, who is now in her 70s, has been telling me for years that she feels as if she’s disappeared. People literally don’t see her. Even celebrated beauties will bemoan the double standard they face.
Sure, disappearing after 50 might be a negative, but ponder the possibilities! Invisibility does sound intriguing. Instead of fighting the inevitable, why not embrace it? Think of the fun you can have once you’re completely transparent! You’ll be free to walk around buck naked on hot days. Hallelujah! The emperor has no clothes, and neither will you. Diets? Nothing’s skinnier than invisible. Bring on the bacon, wrap it in a flaky pastry, and top it with butter, baby. You can stop worrying if men find you pretty and focus on more important things, like cultivating your brain or taking up topless gardening. Let your wrinkles proliferate and set those gray hairs free. You’ll save a fortune on anti-aging creams and hair products. Best of all, you can finally become the woman you’ve always been without apology, explanation, or the need to hide behind the illusion of giving a rat’s ass what other people think.
In Search of That Girl
Once upon a time I was a single gal. I was wild, unfettered, and free. I was saucy. I was naughty. I was sexy. I was outrageous. I changed my hair color the way most people change socks. I wore blood-red lipstick and kohl-black eyeliner. I said whatever I wanted to say and did whatever I pleased whenever it pleased me. I had an ass off which one could bounce a quarter and a totally rockin’ bod. I could wear absolutely anything and look fabulous in it, like a super model or a 19-year-old. I could stay out all night or stay in all night and I didn’t have to answer to a single, solitary soul. I kissed the boys and made them cry. I danced on tabletops and on stages and down sidewalks in the middle of the day. I was the master of my own destiny. I was a pirate and the world was my ocean. I sailed my ship through stormy seas and through fair weather and to distant and exotic shores. I took what I wanted without shame. I had incredible adventures. Oh, yes, I did.
I was lonely, yes. I had my heart broken often. I had a knack for falling in love with the wrong kind of men. It was hard to come home at the end of a long day and have no one with whom to share my stories, but it was lovely to come home at the end of a long day and draw a warm bubble bath, crank up the stereo, and relax without distractions. It was also lovely to sleep in until noon, if I so chose. The only person I had to worry about was me. My house was impeccably clean; my pillows didn’t have holes chewed in them or juice boxes spilled on them or mysterious gray bits of what might have once been food embedded in their piping. I could eat every meal at restaurants, if I so desired, and I didn’t have to cook at all if I didn’t want to. I could decorate as I saw fit and change my decor anytime I liked. I didn’t own my home, so if something broke I could call the landlord. I worked hard and I played hard. Even though a small part of me thought maybe I should settle down, I came to a place of total peace as a single gal. I stopped looking for Mr. Right and decided I was perfectly fine without him.
Then I met a man, fell in love, got married, and had a baby. Just like that. My friends were shocked. My family was shocked. I was shocked. I guess everyone expected me to stay single forever. I guess no one, including me, could envision That Girl being a Mom. The first six months of being a wife and mother, we were living in Pittsburgh in a two-bedroom apartment outside of town. My husband was working with a man I loathed and I had no friends at all. My life had taken a U-turn so sharp I was in a state of total shock. Here I was, married and totally overwhelmed with being the caregiver for a small, mewling, needy human being. I cried. Often. Rivers, oceans, seas of tears. My life had become an endless blur of nursing, diaper changes, and baby talk. I was lucky if I could take a shower most days. I went from high heels, garter belts, and slinky dresses to overalls, nursing bras, and sweatpants overnight.
I didn’t have a creative outlet, or any outlet at all. I had no support system of women to show me what you’re supposed to do with a baby when you must take a shower, or go to the bathroo
m, or talk on the phone. I had no one to explain how to know when to call the doctor or when to let it ride. I had no one to watch the baby while I went out for a cup of coffee or a stroll down the sidewalk for a moment of relief from the monotony of caring for an infant 24/7.
Sometimes I handed the baby off to my husband and left. Where are you going? I don’t know. When will you be back? I don’t know. When I feel like I can do this without screaming.
I didn’t know why other women didn’t tell me the truth. Why didn’t someone explain how hard it was? How isolating it was? How stressful it was?
Can a woman be a mother and still have a room of her own? I surely tried, but I can’t say that I always succeeded.
My child has ventured forth into adulthood, and I have new challenges to face. It seems as if That Girl is a million miles away. She’s faded into the rearview mirror, replaced by the face of an aging woman. That Girl is a distant memory, along with her tight ass and her saucy, naughty, carefree attitude. I find it hard to believe she was ever me. Yet, she stares back at me, defiantly, from faded photographs.
I miss That Girl. I wish she’d come for a visit sometimes. I wish it were possible to have all that I have now and still be That Girl on occasion.
I think every woman needs to revisit That Girl sometimes.
Aging Disgracefully
The older I get, the less certain I am that I have any of the answers. I can barely remember the questions. What was I talking about again? Oh, yes, life after 50. There is life after 50, as evidenced by my ability to type this sentence. There’s more than that, though! There’s so much more! It’s not all vaginal lubricants, saggy breasts, and vitamin supplements. Even if you didn’t plan well and save a nest egg (not that I’d know about that), there are places to go and people to see. Adventures await.
Sure, the rest of the world wants you to slow down, but why let that hold you back? This is the perfect time to speed up. The next time people offer sage advice on why you need to age gracefully, feel free to remind them that how you age is none of their damn business.